Liberated from evil

..if you want my body and you think i'm sexy...(door man singing softly on 79th street)

Thursday
took a little trip down memory lane the other day and spoke with my old boyfriend (the love of my life), he got married!!!! to a horrible woman who used to hang around him like a dog. i guess all this waiting around will sometimes pay off. i know other women who have done that (get him used to your constant presence and never have an opinion etc) but i can't see myself ever doing it. jeez, i was with the guy for almost 7 years and still couldn't even move in with him. he is a terrific man and i know i my family is probably right in thinking i am an undeserving ingrate for not marrying him and moving to florida (the arm pit of the universe) but that is how it goes. i felt a slight twinge of regret when we spoke but deep down i know i did the right thing. speaking of memory lane, i also had calls from 2 other men who meant a lot to me once (a very busy lane this is), and it feels good to be on friendly terms with people who matter and to know i can always take a little trip to a happier time and place (rio here i come!).

so i had a job interview which went very well, but yet again they don't seem to have the funds in place to hire anyone. it is kind of yucky to get all worked up and then find out it was just exploratory on their part. not unlike dating men who are just checking to see if there is something more exciting than their current partners.
in the mean time my work at the house of horrors continues in a way. they seem to want to keep me around for some strange reason, but hey it is money so i keep at it. i had to work at home for a few day as her herness decided to actually spend a week in her ($30,000 a month) apartment. i am creating a data base of all her belongings so they can keep track of things. in a way i think this is futile since they still refuse to learn how to open email and everything is constantly faxed and fedexed all over the place and the concept of electronic management is completely alien to them. another day another dollar....

i had another odd experience, the wife of one of my dearest friends came to ny (staying with me) to try to forward her non-career by flirting heavily with some guy who may be able to help her out. i don't know this woman at all, have only met her once or twice, so i was un-prepared. she is like a child-woman, very cute, and in constant state of awe over everything. this really grated on my nerves, and i kept waiting for her to drop the act and just be normal, but she never did!! she has 3 kids, but looks like a kid herself. i think it is just me tho, she is actually very sweet, i am just not used to women being this way, but oddly enough it works very well with men. everywhere we went men would fall all over themselves to inform her of things, prompted by her wide-eyed innocence (!), and wanting to take her in hand. men are idiots!!!! she of course has not intentions of putting out, nor does she need to, and i must say that in-spite of detesting such blatant manipulations, i do admire how she has has managed to cultivate this persona to absolute perfection to get whatever she wants, so i don't think she is a dumb as i first thought. hmmm. i am probably being catty here. oh sure i know manipulative women, but with them everything is an act, but i think this one may actually be real...

Thursday
..well at least the color is great... (Russian woman who had just fucked up my eyebrows).
I had this impulse to suddenly have my eyebrows shaped and tinted so i went to this new salon in the hood. It was a disaster! I told the woman 'Lana' "no waxing and leave them wide" So of course she immediately waxed top and bottom and then proceeded to pluck away with great gusto and ended up taking a whole chunk out so now I have a split brow on one side. She then applied dye to both lashes and brows and left me in a dark room for about 15 minutes (call me if it starts to burn...) she then returned and told me to wash my eyes myself!!! I was practically blind and couldn't even see the sink! I got really mad and told her in no uncertain terms that this was the most ridiculous thing I have ever had in this context! Usually they apply small pads around the eyes and clean the dye off and it doesn't hurt at all. Well, then I looked in the mirror and I have 3 black eyebrows that are also crooked! I look lika a Picasso painting! And I had to pay $55!!!!!! i AM OUTRAGED! Luckily they'll grow back quickly, AARRGGGHH! But the bad news is that I have a job interview tomorrow, yikes!

The crazy women I work for called and said they wish to give me and Patrick a "day at a spa" as a bonus! I politely turned the offer down, I don't feel right about taking extravagant gifts from these people, it is unprofessional and would give them the wrong idea. I don't ever want them to think they can buy me, or later place big demands on me (...and we were so nice to you..). They are now pissed at me for not accepting. Jeez, some days you just cant win.

Monday
...Heavy rain expected this evening... (weather report).

Walking in drizzly rain on CPW today I was idly thinking about nothing in particular when I spotted a woman who had this really odd, shiny big eyes, like she was crying or freaked out. She was one of those society ladies swathed in Burberry and Chanel and was carefully picking her way down the sidewalk on impossibly skinny sticklike legs. Her face was like a mask, her skin stretched so tight over her thin face that she looked like a skull, a skull with big shiny eyes. Her strawlike hair in a little attempt of a flip stuck out at odd angles, maybe it was a wig. I wondered if she was ill, or just starved herself for looks and lost a sense of porportion somewhere along the way. I wondered if she has a rich husband or if she was divorced, it seems improbable that any man would find this attractive, so maybe she was ill. It started me thinking about my own obsession with getting skinny before summer, and although I felt a certain revulsion I also felt exceptionally fat. I guess it is what one compares oneself with. But then I had dinner anyway, a very small dinner, but a meal....

Saturdaynightsundaymorning
...and kiss me like you mean it... (yet more magnetic fields)

Had a lovely day walking around, meandering is more like it. bought a pair of funky shoes and a cd, all very nice but my feet are killing me.
I feel so content and good, reconnecting with someone dear to me after a long absense puts everything into a different perspective (the sun shines brighter, the butter tastes sweeter...).
A woman told me tonight that I have a great spirit or a young spirit, I am not sure what that means, then she kissed me on the mouth, it was a bit weird. I guess I should feel flattered as she was very young and very beautiful, but somehow it was all a little too odd and contrived.
Kissing is a wonderful thing. Some kisses set you on fire and others express affection and caring. Kissing the bottoms of my niece's fat little feet is total warmth and happiness. Kissing my lover's feet pure ecstasy. Some people kiss carefully with their lips closed like they are keeing a secret, some people seem to want to devour you with open mouths and hot probing tongues, or they appear to be unclogging a sink. Sometimes one is better than the other and sometimes it is just right and sometimes just icky.
Controversy, everything is controversial.

Thursday.
Tumble from Tightrope Injures Performer (news story in the NYT) Seems like it applies to me.

We played poker again last night and it seems like my run of good luck is turning, I lost $23.25. My very impure thoughts about one of my play mates (!) linger but are at times transferred to one of the other players. It helps to have the goddess there to distract them in case a thought bubble should suddenly appear over my head, showing what I am really thinking (dot dot dot).
Strange how sometimes the mind can trigger a physical reaction...

Yesterday was rather unusual. It started by the sudden arrival of her herness so I had to leave (not allowed to look at her). So I went to the park and sat around just basking in the sun and enjoying daylight, happy to be out of the dungeon for a bit, when I noticed a guy on the next bench had left his address book. I didn't see him anywhere so I started looking throuh it to see if his name and # was there so that I could call him. There was no name in the front just a bunch of business cards and the rest mostly British numbers. I started calling some of the local ones but no one knew who he was. It made me wonder if the people in my own book would know me from a vague desciption. I wasn't paying attention to what he looked like but kind of thought he might have been wearing glasses and thought he was probably British. It is strange to track the life of someone like this, he seemed to have something to do with antiques, was probably married or gay as there were hardly any women listed in the book, he had several contractors and a dentist on Madison Ave. Finally I reached a woman at Sotheby's (sp?) and we decided it would probably be best if I dropped the book of there as there were so many numbers listed for that fine establishment that someone might know him. I did and went on my merry way, hoping to build a little Karma for future favors I may need.

Monday April 5th

I can't touch you anymore, there so much to hate you for.. (Magnetic Fields again..)

Oddly enough I am still working in the House of Horrors, now I am cataloging the "Library". Turns out the crazy woman had amassed tons of rare books, mainly it seems because they are expensive, but no one knows how many or what they are worth. They started by sending a friendly but dumb waitress from their home state to do the job but all she did was louse it up and slow me down so I had to redo everything which took several days. But hey it is money so I shouldn't complain, besides I like books and this is rather peaceful.

I want to go home so badly, but money is an issue so it will have to wait. Luckily my brother and his wife and child will be coming here which sort of makes up for it.

We are still playing Poker and so far so good, I haven't had any major losses and mostly come out on top. I am however suddenly having impure thoughts about one of the players (!)...

It is cold as hell and summer seems miles away in spite of it being summer time according to the clock.