Liberated from evil

Be afraid, be Very afraid, (Blog about fear).

I have several fears (besides phobias of course).
1) I fear 4 more years of Bush (and being with the idiots who want to put him in charge)
2) I fear being killed while flying for her oneness (it would so suck to go that way)
3) I fear scaffolding falling suddenly on my head (rendering me incapable of telling my friends to hide my sex toys before my family comes over to take care of me)
4) I fear being in a relationship with a man (and then acting on inappropriate impulses)
5) but most of all I fear fat and boredom!

Fear is a strange emotion and I suppose most people harbor quite a few. I always admire those who seem to overcome, in some strange ways (get married FI) and then sink into some conformist form of acceptance and defeat. I suppose once that happens the fear no longer exists so in a way it probably makes sense. I have a more ambitious fear, one that I shall never be expelled. I can never take that one extra step into conformity and life-long downward slope into compromise and acceptance, yet at the same time it holds a certain appeal. I loved having a relationship where I always knew where and when our next vacation would be, where I was certain of having unconditional love and acceptance, where I was assured he loved me even when I was bitch and horrid (massages and hot teas served with appropriate painkillers when needed), but alas I couldn't actually take that one extra step so now he is married to someone else who is presumably more compliant (and wants to live in Florida). In fact every man I have ever loved has indeed taken that extra step and is now married to a more compliant nice gal (and they still call me for sex!!), what the hell does that make me? Sex goddess? Or the 'Free Spirit? Or perhaps just incapable? Not that I don't love, I love more deeply and sincerely than most manipulative women I know, it is just that 'forever' thing I can't cope with. So I have learned to compromise in my own way, I found the perfect love with an 'unavailable' man. We have the most romantic exchange in writing and the most fabulous sex in reality, but none of the other demands. Of course it leaves the gap of no one to massage my achy back during my period, or to bring me chicken soup when I have a cold, but it is still better than facing the horrible choice of letting him go into the eternal (or rather few years) of the comforting conformity with someone else, he already has that taken care of!
He woos me with words of magic and never fails to bring me into a world of absolute bliss. Sometimes we don't have sex, but go on bizzzzarre date-like things, where we eat or look at a tree or art and everything is unreal. All I can think of during these outings is the sweet taste of him or his unique scent, teasing my senses until my knees are liquid and then I just walk away perhaps with a light touch of his lips on my cheek, but my whole being on fire with a desire so profound that I don't even know what to do except to buy yet another pair of shoes.

Love comes in many shapes and it shouldn't be tied into fear, I don't know why these things are so intertwined me, but I am making every effort to change it. Perhaps I too can conform one day and let go of the idea that love somehow will eventually to become drudgery and boredom.

Then there is the fear of yet another 4 years of the dreadful Bush regime. I don' t think I can spend that much time in the city that I love, knowing that the country is so filled with idiots. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE THINKING?????

SECONDARY FEMALE COMING THROUGH!!!! (Security guards at all airports I have recently visited).

Oh the indignities of air travel!! I am instantly picked out of a line of weary travelers every single time I enter an airport. I know the routine very well by now:
1) Sit on that chair (a guard then swipes the bottom of my feet with a magic wand, what they expect to find there I have no idea since I also learned that questions are never answered).
2) Stand on the mat and place your feet on the foot prints and hold out your arms (a guard then scans my body with the magic wand, I no longer wear a bra since the underwire can make them crazy and they may decide to do a more thorough body search)
3) I will pat you down now (at this point I ask for a female feeler "No you can not touch me, I am not wearing underwear!) althought in Florida this did not work, I was wearing a thong, a mini skirt and a tank top and they made me step behind a curtain and undress completely! (Guess I shouldn't have been snide "what the hell do you expect to find under my skin?"!!)
4) Stand on the side while we check your computer (they scrape the lid a little and swab it with cotton, I have no idea what that test is meant to reveal)
5) You can put on your shoes again but we need another person to come and check your bag and jacket!!!! (this can take up to 10 minutes, even though I have learned to not have anything in my pockets at all).

So I have learned a few things about how to behave in airports, but I also learned another valuable lesson: all this humiliation doesn't mean a thing. The people conductiong these searches are idiots and suddenly find themselves in a strange power situation and are determined to take full advantage of it, so look out if you have a Green Card, you are next!

This summer I passed through Kennedy and because I was unusually early I went throught the search and humiliate procedure 3 times as I went out to smoke and talk on the phone. On the plane while looking for a pen in my backpack I pulled out a BOXCUTTER!!!! Later I gave it to my mother for safekeeping and then a few days later as I was preparing a trip to the country I shook out my backpack and the offending implement fell out! I asked my mom why she had put it back (was she trying ot get me into trouble?), but she ran to the kitchen and brought out the first one!!! SO I went through 3 scans with 2 boxcutters!!!! So all this bullshit is for nothing at al except to make you feel like a criminal.

it's gonna be bright bright sunshiny day....

well well well my friends, as much as i hated the last stint for her oneness, i have to admit that i am no bettet than your average crack'ho' for here i am back again slaving away and being misreable. the only differenence now is that i do have a hotel room (skanky nasty hotel room) and food and the climate is definitely better (cool). this is a cute little new england town close to boston, but too far for me since we are working 14 hours a day (6 people) to unpack her belonging and settle her into her (yet another) new home. a 13000 square feet structure (16 rooms) , complete with a huge indoor swimming pool, 40 acres of land and a waterfall (and a tennis court and miles of hiking trails, and canoes and fountains and and and..).it is all too strange and to add to the unreality of it all, i have a cold, sinus headache, sore throat and am surrounded with minions who do not smoke or drink! ugh!!! 2 more days and i will be free, i need to get a job!!!!!

Wednesday:
"I die when you walk by..." (Magnetic Fields).

Sometimes it is best to just keep walking, perpetual motion keeps you safe from being hit. But that approach doesn't work at work s
o I am stuck for now, sitting pretty for her Oneness, "how high should I jump, your Oneness.." Looks like I'll have to go to Boston and help set her up in yet another happy home. It is so strange to see this madness up close, I feel sad and disgusted at the same time. It was oddly moving how someone went to so much trouble of putting personal touches on her horrible other 'homes' but yet she is never there and it just ends up looking like an empty shell. The expensive ugly furniture strangely forlorn, the carpets that are never walked on and the hideous art that is never looked at and all the books that are never read, all the clothes that are never worn, it is like going through a dead person's house.

I think it is best to keep moving and not surround oneself with things that will eventually just be someone else's burden and trash. Just like it is probably best to not get involved in relationships because they will eventually become a burden and a pike of trash. It is best to keep moving. I am thinking of going to Brazil, Turkey or Mexico, somewhere else in November. Gotta keep moving, walking by so to speak.
I know a man who is constantly taking notes like he is afraid he will forget some minutiae that occurs such as what he eats and what he sees on a daily basis. In a way it is a way to preserve a moment, but it is also a fear of there not being other moments. Preserving moments is standing still, but time never does, keep moving, keep moving like time. Endless flow of new and familiar stuff, it just never stops.
I had a dream that the world was ending and I had to wait for death for a few days. It reminded me of an Australian Sci-Fi movie where people have 24 hours to live, and what they do with those hours. It was surprisingly mundane stuff but I totally got it. The time to try something new is when you have time and not when you are out of time.

I need to keep moving because there may not be limitless time to keep moving.

While walking on 79th and Park I heard a beautiful voice drifting out of a car window "America, America.." I looked up and saw a mongoloid woman in an expensive SUV just letting it out, she was so happy and the woman driving her was smiling, a moment to be preserved.

The homeless man in the park had a gold coneshaped hat with a chin strap on today, he had also lined up several bottles stuffed with different colored paper in front of a blue and gold blanket. He has a new set up every day, so although he seemingly never leaves his bench, he is moving on with a different display every day.