Be afraid, be Very afraid, (Blog about fear).
I have several fears (besides phobias of course).
1) I fear 4 more years of Bush (and being with the idiots who want to put him in charge)
2) I fear being killed while flying for her oneness (it would so suck to go that way)
3) I fear scaffolding falling suddenly on my head (rendering me incapable of telling my friends to hide my sex toys before my family comes over to take care of me)
4) I fear being in a relationship with a man (and then acting on inappropriate impulses)
5) but most of all I fear fat and boredom!
Fear is a strange emotion and I suppose most people harbor quite a few. I always admire those who seem to overcome, in some strange ways (get married FI) and then sink into some conformist form of acceptance and defeat. I suppose once that happens the fear no longer exists so in a way it probably makes sense. I have a more ambitious fear, one that I shall never be expelled. I can never take that one extra step into conformity and life-long downward slope into compromise and acceptance, yet at the same time it holds a certain appeal. I loved having a relationship where I always knew where and when our next vacation would be, where I was certain of having unconditional love and acceptance, where I was assured he loved me even when I was bitch and horrid (massages and hot teas served with appropriate painkillers when needed), but alas I couldn't actually take that one extra step so now he is married to someone else who is presumably more compliant (and wants to live in Florida). In fact every man I have ever loved has indeed taken that extra step and is now married to a more compliant nice gal (and they still call me for sex!!), what the hell does that make me? Sex goddess? Or the 'Free Spirit? Or perhaps just incapable? Not that I don't love, I love more deeply and sincerely than most manipulative women I know, it is just that 'forever' thing I can't cope with. So I have learned to compromise in my own way, I found the perfect love with an 'unavailable' man. We have the most romantic exchange in writing and the most fabulous sex in reality, but none of the other demands. Of course it leaves the gap of no one to massage my achy back during my period, or to bring me chicken soup when I have a cold, but it is still better than facing the horrible choice of letting him go into the eternal (or rather few years) of the comforting conformity with someone else, he already has that taken care of!
He woos me with words of magic and never fails to bring me into a world of absolute bliss. Sometimes we don't have sex, but go on bizzzzarre date-like things, where we eat or look at a tree or art and everything is unreal. All I can think of during these outings is the sweet taste of him or his unique scent, teasing my senses until my knees are liquid and then I just walk away perhaps with a light touch of his lips on my cheek, but my whole being on fire with a desire so profound that I don't even know what to do except to buy yet another pair of shoes.
Love comes in many shapes and it shouldn't be tied into fear, I don't know why these things are so intertwined me, but I am making every effort to change it. Perhaps I too can conform one day and let go of the idea that love somehow will eventually to become drudgery and boredom.
Then there is the fear of yet another 4 years of the dreadful Bush regime. I don' t think I can spend that much time in the city that I love, knowing that the country is so filled with idiots. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE THINKING?????
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