Monday:
My benefits continue, apparently I just got under the wire so I am much relieved. The dreaded holidays are here, but I am trying to ignore it as much as possible. I have no money to shop and no one to be close with, except my dear friends. It beats several previous Christmases when my boyfriend would either give me nothing or some horrible crap still in a shopping bag with the receipt! Once he gave me one of those framed photos of the WTC, the kind you buy on the street for $5! He also gave his whole family the same thing which sure didn't make me feel special, ugh! I hear he has a new girlfriend now and can't help but wonder if he treats her the same way (?). I would have sex with my secret lover before seeing the boyfriend on christmas, new years eve and my birthday and even his birthday, which made this whole thing much more bearable, even though he never knew, it still felt like revenge somehow. God I miss my secret guy!
Holidays is a time of reflection and I am thinking about how strange this year has been. A year ago I had a great job, money and a vacation with my family, this year I am penniless, unemployed and sad.
I float around aimlessly and wonder where life will take me. I go on endless dates with men I have no interest in, in an effort to get out a little but it is not fun anymore. I apply for jobs I don't want and am turning to mush just sitting around.
I am going for a walk.
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