Liberated from evil

Fall has arrived and i am still unemployed! this is not looking good, i am getting a little worried. i have applied for silly jobs and not received a single reply, i guess it is time to call people for favors, ugh.
good news though, i am going to amsterdam for a week where i'll meet a childhood friend and we plan to revisit all the places we remember from our youth (16!) when we spent a month there, mostly getting high and working odd jobs. the world seemed so full of possibilities, a life unlived stretched ahead endlessly. now we are middle age and jaded to the point of no return, it will be interesting to see how this plays out.
i have been spending a lot of time alone which is good in a way but bad in others. i walk around a lot and sometimes find myself practically talking out loud to myself (not good), cleaning my apartment and reading a lot (good).
still go on odd dates sometimes just for kicks but basically find the emotional void that come with it to be unbearable, but at the same time i am afraid of having feelings for anyone. losing control for even an instant is a terrifying thought. safety in numbers seems to be where it is at. mindless sex is generally good but the fear of intimacy always lurks in the background somehow. someone told me this week that i am a very cold person, it is probably true.