Liberated from evil

Things I think about while idling:
Expectations:
Wondering about the often, unreasonable expectation we all have, but when do expectations become reasonable and when are they just plain stupid. It may be best to take the old stoic Icelander approach and not have any at all. After all you can drop dead at any time, like when the next crack opens up in the ground and swallows you whole.

A guy I know just bought himself a fiancée from Russia. He submitted exact measurements (age 19, height 5.10” weight 118lbs, small breasts, certain shape nose etc.) and received almost the right girl. Her nose is a little too long (she will have to have surgery) and her hair needs to be bleached but other than that she is the right one. He is 30 years older and has had hair transplants and growth hormone injections so he is prepared, but will this little girl stay with him forever, and what happens if she grows older, or meets her peers? Unreasonable expectations may be at work here or perhaps not. After all we live in a world where “master of you fate” applies pretty much everywhere, we design our lifestyles to reflect who we are so why not design a mate, and if money can buy anything why not people?
Of course I have to wonder about the fiancée for sale, what are her expectations? Is it unreasonable to expect the man who paid for her to keep doing so and to care for her?

Daniel Boorstin says: never have people lived with such high expectations and never have people felt so disappointed.

Can I expect to find a fulfilling, well-paid job with a wonderful boss and great perks, probably not. Will I be disappointed if I don’t, probably. Life is filled with disappointments, I think I am getting better at this, practice makes perfect, but isn’t seeking perfection a futile pursuit, isn’t expecting disappointments unreasonable in itself?

Not working, being idle, slacker supreme, I love it. I never want to go to work again. I have discovered so many new things during the past almost 2 months and feel strongly that there is much more to be found. The days slip away in some incomprehensible way and yet I am always busy. Besides just ambling around the city on my daily constitutionals (did 80 blocks yesterday) and cocktails at the Boathouse in Central Park, or Circa Tabac or Bar & Books (all smoking allowed establishments!) I spend a lot of time reading, thinking about sex, dancing around my apartment to newly found music, thinking about sex, chatting with friends, thinking about sex, writing letters, thinking about sex, watching a great deal of TV, thinking about sex and sometimes even actually having some.

At times the minutiae of the daily-ness of life really gets to me. There is an overwhelming onslaught of little moments all over the place. I feel like a camera constantly taking snapshots, which will never be developed or never looked at if they were to be developed. On the 6 train 2 people happily fell asleep next to me, I felt like a book on a shelf with 2 bookends, an Asian girl and a black man, it was very cute and the other passengers made fun of me, until I offered my seat to an older lady and the 2 sleepers fell on each other as I stood up. I felt a twinge of betrayal as they were so surprised, but what was I to do?

The girl crying on the street all by herself, just like I once was. The man steeped in guilt stepping out of an apartment building in the afternoon looking around like he just left his mistress as he puts his wedding ring back on, I know that look I used to be the mistress. The old ladies in the park with their dogs in little outfits, maybe I’ll be one of them some day. The beautiful Ethiopians and Arabs working at A&V, trying to figure out what the horrible UES people are all about. Oh the rudeness, I can’t get over how nasty people are. Of course I can rarely resist saying nasty things when people are being horrid. There was this extra nasty fat ugly loud woman who demanded something stupid at the prepared food counter yelling and bitching, then turned to me and said: “Can you believe how insulting these people are..” to which I could only respond with: “no, what is insulting is you in those shorts…” I guess I have to watch myself, I could get into trouble.