"I don't believe in looking back..." An old friend on her 80th b-day.
But I am looking back a great deal lately and wondering in my heart where did I go wrong, or where did my path divide from those I was so crazy about. I have always had this huge barrier to love. Somehow it only seems to exist for me in the realm of magic and never holds up well in reality. As comfortable as things can be when translated into the everyday-ness of life, it is unbearably boring and sometimes propels me into sticky situations. I have no idea how people do this. I must ask myself: "is that all there is?".... Like the song) . I know people who are hell-bent on making things work somehow for the sake of the children or whatever, but at closer scrutiny it always looks like fear is the driving force. One dear friend is actually leaving his situation in-spite of the dear offspring, rightly figuring that his life in purgatory is not ultimately going to benefit their mental well-being after all. I also know people like my own dear parents who tried to stick it out in a loveless marriage "for the childrens' sake" (we begged them to get divorced) and it sucks. But then again there are the happy endings like my own dear brother who is so happy with is adorable wife and child that one can almost feel it like a scent or fabric.
thus I wonder how my own life would have turned out if I had stayed with the men I loved so deeply. Seeing one of them recently made me wonder. I wonder if life hadn't gotten in the way (so to speak) if we would still have such a fantastic connection after 20 years or would we just be bored and complacent, content with sex once a week and endless conversations about meals.
"I don't want realism, I want magic.." Blanche in "Streetcar of Desire"
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