Liberated from evil

when love falls from the sky nobody ever asks why...(Magnetic Fields keep playing in my head).

yesterday was my daddy's birthday. I miss him more than I can say, I miss him every day. I hope he is having fun in heaven, drinking and partying his head off with all my dead friends and loved ones who liked to party.

Another week of craziness has gone by and it looks like I'll have a few more days of money with her herness. she actually showed up in person before I could escape and she was visibly annoyed I was there. The woman has no taste at all! I thougt for sure she would immediately demand that all the hideous furniture and crap be moved away, but she only noticed some extra ugly glasses the 'decorator' had put on display. We are expected to look at the floor when she walks by and not address her at all. This is so unreal! She is this nasty little dyke who writes slasher novels that idiotic people buy enough of to keep her in private planes, limos and ugly furniture forever. But clearly she thinks she is the queen of the universe! Amazing how money can take away all self-awareness!

I saw a terrific movie: Wilbur wants to kill himself. It was so sweet and moving and funny, only slightly ruined by 2 old women talking loudly until one of them fell asleep and then snored loudly. People are strange.

let's pretend it is a work of art, let's pretend it is not my heart... (more Magnetic Fields, while unpacking)...

I spend all day in the former beautiful apartment that has now become a house of horrors. I only sit down in the kitchen where I can avoid looking at the horrible other rooms that now look like an antiques dealer's consignment shop. yesterday I experienced a flash of the Stockholm Syndrome, I yelled at the cable man (who called me names and was 3 1/2 hours late). GGRRRR.
I am also caught up in a strange story of compromise in other areas as well: young man, old man, poor man, rich man, baggage free man, riddled with baggage man, etc etc. what to do, what to do... in the end i know i'll just get rid of both, it is easier to deal with the devil you know, so back to the same old same old, safety and security is probably better (paging married guy here!).

I hate my life. Today I also actually received a response to a job application, a new experience since mostly i don't get even a 'formula note' , well this one assured me that a 'better suited candidate' was indeed picked.. this does nothing for my already lousy self-esteem. ugh.. My unemployment has dried up and i Icelandair is now finally flying from NY, I guess that means I should go home and get a job in a supermarket and accept my destiny....

But the private chef next door is French and sweet and told me all about his dead wife....

Monday:
"the night you can't remember is the night i can't forget.." (song lyrics from Magnetic Fields)

another day another dollar. the mayhem continues with the move. no one seems to know where anything goes and orders get randomly barked out and we are chickens with our heads cut off. i have to get a job! i am now begging everyone i know to look for anything at all. this moving gig has convinced me that practically anything is better than this madness. if i was younger i am sure i'd be on my knees on a street corner selling blowjobs to pedestrians.
aarrgghhh

Thursday:
"I don't watch the news or read newspapers, it is always the same thing... but Bush is doing the right thing..." moving guy from south carolina during a very brief conversation earlier today.

Finally finished packing and now we are at the new apartment every day. it is truly astonishing how "they" have managed to turn this beautiful space into total crap. just because you are rich does't mean you have taste is more true than ever. the slasher novelist is buying herself some sort of a past and has amassed a huge collection of old books and Biedermeier furniture and assorted hideous antiques. i felt a bit of a thrill when the movers broke her $60,0000 chandelier.

i am having deep thoughts of relating and relationships, sex and flirting, acting and reacting etc. i got lost in the Rambles today while cutting through the park and was amazed to see that it is still a big gay cruising scene (who knew!!!). so al these men are just walking v e r y slowly or simply just standing around waiting to pick up someone (or be picked up) for anonymous sex. i wonder if perhaps it is not a good way to get some kicks after all! however if women did that they would be wearing rabbit fur jackets and mini skirts and taking cash, i think there is a diffrent word for that...

i lost $15 in poker, it may be due to the fact that most of the guys didn't show up so goddess ingrid's charms were somewhat wasted. i have hopes for next week tho...

more on my deep thoughts later.