Liberated from evil

Writing in bars, tried but true way to observe the (sometimes ridiculous) mating habits of my fellow-beings. Spent some time this evening at a local place which still allows smoking, alas it is is filled with the cigar-smoking idiot suit-men one never really wants to encounter. however there are amazing number of women who seem to be looking for just that... not that i blame the suits for their single-minded pursuit it is just the glaring difference in goals that gets to me. here are all these boring, dumb men chomping on big cigars (imaginary blow-jobs?) tossing around money to impress women who are but one step above hookers (if even that, some outfits beg to differ), who are looking for a meal ticket and the financial security of marriage. what drives these people? what compels this behavior? why are men and women so different in what they ultimately want? i am reduced to thinking it is some sort of a cultural abyss unique to america or some odd third-world country, i have no other explanation. is sex just a commodity, something to be traded for money? and if so then how does it differ from plain old street sex?
it is an age-old theory it is just so odd to look at it up-close. i observed a woman who clearly has invested a great deal in her pursuit (botox, implants, hair, gym, nips and tucks), she looked attentive to the drunken ramblings of a gross man who evidently had money to burn, judging from his choice of cigars (only the big expensive ones dude) and drink (single malt something with water!). her ring finger was painly and conspicously empty as she smoked a little lady cigar and nodded her head like a car decoration. i wonder if it will ulitimately be worth it, having to please this ugly sob on a regular basis, ugh, i'd rather die alone in the gutter.
some of the guys sidled up to talk to me: "reading the NYT, wow you must be really smart..." and of course the inevitable: "what do you do?" i delight in responding that yes i am too smart for you and i am a dominatrix. it is interesting to see their responses:
"wow, you don't look like a dominatrix..."
me: how many have you met?
they: none, but i'd like to...
me: you do understand that there is no sex involved?
they: what..??


i met a woman who has already been-there-done-that kind of girl, her only purpose in life now is to get revenge. she has made it a full-time occupation to find a lawyer to pursue her former husband and take all his money away from him. she has no profession, no interests, no life, but she is a woman scorned and she will not rest. she picks up some of these guys but rarely puts out, she thinks by witholding sex she will find a willing slave-marriage-minded man. she doesn't realize that by depriving herdelf of sexual pleasure, she also puses the suits towards the botox women who happily give blow-jobs. not that there is much pleasure to be found with wads of dollar bills. she never understands why they don't call her back. who knows maybe someone will call her back one of these days.

i also wonder about the people who have actually met and married and are now just plain misreable or resigned to their fate or contemplating divorce, how does all this work?
i think i am leaning more and more towards: fear being the great motivator in all of these connections. fear keeps people together and fear keeps people from getting together, it is really all just the same thing.

just another day in the odd life of the observations allowed by unemployment.

Winter time is here and as usual i forgot all about it and spent a couple of very confusing hours this morning in 2 separate time zones, one in the kitchen and one in the living room.
went to see some friends play last night at a club on the lower east, then went bar-hopping only to remember that i truly hate the club scene. endless crowds, expensive minidrinks in plastic cups and very annoying people. i realized right after the show that i had forgotten to eat all day so i very quickly got totally toasted. luckily i made the very clever decison to leave before things got out of hand.
it was so great to see the band (singapore sling) they are starting to 'make' it and are embarking on a month long tour which takes them all over the country. but the high price of fame is that they have to do all the driving themselves in a ratty van, at a gruelling pace and hit gazillion towns with practically no downtime. i guess it is ultimately worth it, but it sounds exhausting. i always thought bands could fly around or travel in a large comfy bus, stay in fun hotels and be surrounded by adoring fans and groupies at all times, but the reality is a lot harsher apprently. but on the other hand getting to do what you love best is a wonderful thing.

Fall has arrived and i am still unemployed! this is not looking good, i am getting a little worried. i have applied for silly jobs and not received a single reply, i guess it is time to call people for favors, ugh.
good news though, i am going to amsterdam for a week where i'll meet a childhood friend and we plan to revisit all the places we remember from our youth (16!) when we spent a month there, mostly getting high and working odd jobs. the world seemed so full of possibilities, a life unlived stretched ahead endlessly. now we are middle age and jaded to the point of no return, it will be interesting to see how this plays out.
i have been spending a lot of time alone which is good in a way but bad in others. i walk around a lot and sometimes find myself practically talking out loud to myself (not good), cleaning my apartment and reading a lot (good).
still go on odd dates sometimes just for kicks but basically find the emotional void that come with it to be unbearable, but at the same time i am afraid of having feelings for anyone. losing control for even an instant is a terrifying thought. safety in numbers seems to be where it is at. mindless sex is generally good but the fear of intimacy always lurks in the background somehow. someone told me this week that i am a very cold person, it is probably true.

walking on east 79th street under a beautiful full moon i see a business-man- father (sans tie), putting in his daily 15 minutes with his offspring, chasing her tricycle to the waiting uniformed doorman who pretends to be delighted. i see 4 member heavily pierced and tattoed crew that may be a a band, looking lost in the crosswalk, conversing in what sounds like some slavic language. earlier in on canal street i overhear a young mother telling her kid in english "sweeheart means a good thing..." i wonder what led to that remark?
other than that i am stunned by what is going on in general: idiot bush and his handlers in the white house, a non-war war in iraq and now a bodybuilder/movie star running california, i guess one should never ever underestimate the stupidity of the american people... oh wait, bush wasn't elected, the war is not a war and there is nothing wrong with an uneducated bodybuilder running the show, the american dream come true, hey it could happen to you... ouch!

It is amazing how the days just evaporate into absolutley nothing yet I feel like I am busy. I try to have little projects going on, somewhere to walk to every day, sometimes I walk 80 blocks. The overwhelming humanity everywhere! Last week I was waiting for a friend at the Port Authority around 5pm and was truly amazed at how many thousands of people do this commute every day. They came like a flood down the street and all went into the terminal. Occasionally I would lock eyes with someone and was hit witht he realization that they all have some drama going on. Alll the brains clicking with thoughts, plans, things... totally weird. I had to go and have a drink afterwards. I went to the Boathouse and met a very interesting guy named Boomer (!) who told me some very funny stories and then demonstrated burping which he is apparently a master of (very loud and impressive). He was larger than life and truly an original, in pink socks and Gucci loafers and had the loudest, happiest laugh, I've heard in a long time. I always meet oddball people there, it is so reassuring somehow, because I often feel like I am the only one. Sort of like a support group I guess.
I go to the Met a lot, I guess I should become a member. There are so many reassuring galleries there suitable for every mood. Sometimes the furniture is the best, sometimes the weapons and sometimes the old portraits where I am most interested in the stuff strewn around the person rather than the persons themselves. I like to think of it as representing who they were, but perhaps it is just decorative, a filler or something, but there are those items that seem so incidental. Foods, fruit, flowers, knitting, books, household stuff, children's toys, small animals etc. I love the few Balthus paintings, so obscene but yet so serene. I tried to sneak into the El Greco show (members only preview), I attached myself to a group of old ladies, but was cought after a few steps, boy these people are like hawks.

about 2 months go by and in a way much has happened and in a way nothing at all.
life is back to a comfortable groove after my adventures while away and now it is time to add some spice to the mix. i either have to find a new job or seriously scale down. not that there is much to be scaled down, i live a simple life just by occasional pair of great shoes and go to the bar with my friends, i guess i could give up the bar if needed. i really hate the idea of getting a job in some horrible office and to be at the mercy of the lunatics who are inevitably in charge (how do they get these jobs?). i am working on an application for a documentary film to be made in europe if we secure funding, which should be interesting it would take up the next year or so, but that may be just a dream.
in the mean time i have started gathering experiences from the 'dating scene' and that is proving to be a very interesting social experiment. there sure are some odd people out there!
i have learned so much about americans who, although i have lived here for gazillion years, have mostly managed to not get involved with (men that is). it seems to me that there is a huge disconnect beteween desire/lust and reality/expectations. everyone wants to have insanely terrific sex but are also consumed with fear of intimacy and rejection. people seem so torn between doing the right thing (marrying some appropriate person) and a deep desire to 'give in' to temptation, only to be followed by regrets. i don't think i saw that in the movies. oh well this is after all what i like the best about the US, the constant controversy, it is charming, albeit a bit predictable and soon to become rather boring.

i am thinking of going to Rio for some fun soon, now there live people with no time for regrets!